


"let me hold your hand,"

by zacefronspants



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mutually Unrequited, eggsy is stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 03:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12974835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zacefronspants/pseuds/zacefronspants
Summary: it's never one purpose, loving someone.





	"let me hold your hand,"

**Author's Note:**

> this is a rework of my stucky fic, "it's always an accident,"

It’s an accident, Eggsy telling Merlin he loves him. He thinks it was because he had too many drinks, but he knows damn well he only had water and some tea that night because Merlin only lets him have tea the night before a mission, and Eggsy knows there’s nothing wrong with wanting to kiss boys and girls, his mom told him so. But the look on Merlin’s face- the look of astonishment and near heartbreak was one to make Eggsy’s insides turn yellow.

So he tells a lie, “I had too much to drink, s'just a joke,” and it’s never talked about again. It’s put back into the corner of secrets that Eggsy’s been keeping since he was thirteen and let a boy twice his age kiss him underneath some stairs. It’s buried so deep inside that he forgets it’s there, until Merlin squeezes his shoulder and his hand lingers there for little too long. But he still never talks about it. Doesn’t mention it, because it makes his skin feel too tightly wrapped around him or like his bones are going to leak out of his skin. So it’s nearly forgotten.

Eggsy knows it wasn’t an accident, he tells the bartender one night. It was on purpose and he just blinks at him as he slurs it to him, “S'never an accident, I love that man and it makes him so fucking sad,”

It’s nearly midnight when Merlin picks Eggsy up from the bar, and Eggsy almost feels guilty for being so damn drunk and he almost says so, too. But instead he says, “S’not ever gonna be fair, Merlin,” and Eggsy, the still sober part, knows he needs to shut up and thank Merlin for picking him up, but he keeps on, “I don’t get why you look a’me like I’m gonna break because I think you hung the moon with your toenails,” and he feels Merlin stiffen. but, liquid courage is a thing, so he drones on and Eggsy’s gonna hate himself in the morning. Merlin finally silences him with, “I know it’s isn’t fair, boy.” And they both drop it.

It stays dropped until Merlin comes into his office and starts in on about how Bors is a fucking nightmare and, “He fucking blew up a car, Eggsy. A damn car.” And Eggsy wonders, briefly, if he should move and get a cat named rat, but it’s squished because JB hates cats. Eggsy lets Merlin talk about the Bors because he likes hearing him talk and out slips, “I love you,” and it’s so silent in that instant Eggsy’s so sure he could run fast enough to his room before he vomits all over himself. But, Eggsy just says, “It was an accident.”

Eggsy quickly waves off the slip up and it’s shoved haphazardly into the box of secrets in his mind and it stays there for a bit longer.

It stays there until it can’t anymore and he looks Merlin dead in the soft green eyes and says, “If I could make myself not love you, I’d do it so fucking fast,” he’s crying, and Merlin looks like a deer in headlights when he says, “I thought-, I thought putting my feelings into that box where I keep all my secrets would work, but, it’s not, it can’t,” he’s sobbing now. “I can’t not look at you and wonder if your lips really do taste like cherries, or if they taste like the tea you drink.” Eggsy’s not sure who is breathing louder, him, JB next to his feet, but he’s crying and Merlin looks sick.

“I am so sorry I fell in love with you,” Eggsy says so softly, that it’s basically silent in his office. Eggsy can’t help himself, he kisses Merlin so softly it’s a ghost of a kiss and says, “You taste like scones and bitter coffee.”

Eggsy throws himself into any and all missions; sleeping when he’s so bone weary that he just passes out. Eggsy knows, somewhere deep in his heart that is wasn’t necessary that he start running himself ragged, but the look on Merlin’s face after he kissed makes Eggsy want to rip his tongue out so he never kisses anyone, ever. And Eggsy wishes, wishes he could have kept his feelings up in that box, wishes he had never said a damn thing to him, but it’s done and over with.

He can’t take it back, no matter how many times he wishes on the moon.

Merlin corners him in medical one night, face stern and jaw tight when Eggsy immediately looks everywhere but at him. “You can’t keep running away from me,” is what Merlin tells him, voice soft and full of concern. Eggsy snorts and shrugs his shoulders, because he could if he tried hard enough, but he knows Merlin’s right, that man is everywhere.

Eggsy wills himself to look at him, lets his eyes trace over every divot and crease in Merlin’s face, lets himself just look at Merlin until he finally says, so gently he’s not sure if he said it at all, “I love you. You don’t have to love me back,” and Eggsy nearly bolts when Merlin crosses the room and cups his cheek and laughs at him, softly. He wants to scream at him, but stops when Merlin leans down and brushes his lips against his, whispering, “I love you too, you fuck head.”

Eggsy lets out a wet laugh and fists his hands into his jumper, pulling him until they’re pressed together. “I’m an idiot.” Is all Eggsy says to him before he kisses him again.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @togxpi


End file.
